Defeat

Tears stream fluidly

Hurt, pain, grief, anguish, defeat

Where has the hope gone?

I wish you could see my heart break for you. I wish you understood that you don't need to live in each lie. I pray that one day you'll see your beauty in the ashes. I pray that God will bring you from defeat and give you hope. Because that hope that is from the Lord is abundant and rich. 

Proverbs 23:18

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. 

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I don't say this for you to feel bad, I don't say this for sympathy. I merely want to express to you that you are loved, you are cared for, you are valued, you are wanted, you are beautiful. I want to encourage you, to uplift your spirits. But I know it's not me that is capable of that. For now, I watch, I wait, I pray. I pray fervently for you, my friend. 

Don't accept defeat.

Don't believe the lies.

Don't give in. 

Stand up.

Take courage. 

He is with you. 

He is for you. 

He will never, ever be against you. 

If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, be gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:31b-32, 37-39

My words don't come close to what I want to communicate to you. 

But I feel so deeply for you. 

My heart aches for your pain. 

I want to take it from you, and take it upon myself. 

Then I could feel like I'm helping. 

For now, I watch, I wait, I pray. 

For the hope that one day, you'll see hope once again. 

I love you.

Aching

My heart aches...

when I see the pain of a friend

when I feel their pain

when there is nothing that I can do for them.

when people don't see how beautiful they are

when they don't understand how God has created them

when they choose to believe the lies

when nothing will change their mind.

when all I see is God moving in them...

and they just don't. 

Looking at each person, seeing their story in a different light

understanding it from my perspective. 

How different is mine from the next person? 

How do people see me? 

My story?

Does their heart ache for me? 

"The scariest thing a woman ever offers is to believe that she is worth pursuing, to open her heart up to pursuit and to continue to open up her heart and offer the beauty she holds inside, all the while fearing it will not be enough. You were intricately made, woven and spun. You are radiant, you shimmer, you shine, you are a treasure of a woman, a gem, and worth it."

Rainstorm

To say I've been thinking a lot would be an understatement. Well, I mean I think a lot on a general basis, but recently, God has just been pounding me with stuff. And yes, I literally mean POUNDING. It feels like a rainstorm that hasn't stopped.


But here's the thing...I love rain.
So the rainstorm, is good. Because it's been teaching me a lot. He's been revealing more of who He is to me, but it has been so much all at once.


Where to begin...


Just like my blurb at the top of this blog says, "A heart searching and yearning more and more for her Savior." I've never been able to say that that is more how I feel right now, than ever before. Except that I'm also ACHING for more of Him. I wish I could describe to you just how much I desire to know Him, to put myself in last place, and have my vision just be encompassed with God. But there's always so many things getting in the way of that. It always seems to be something new. Granted, my life changes in the most rapid pace. As I sit here writing this my eyes fill with tears, because I am so moved by His love.








I've been going through this Bible study with some girls and the book that we're doing is called Be Transformed. We call it the Book of Pain. It is a hard book to go through. You have to want to be transformed to even read it. Some days, I just can't take it, and so I don't read it. That's how intense it is. Unfortunately, because of life, I haven't had a great opportunity to read it and learn from it. But I sat down this week and started going through lesson 4. It is entitled Getting to Know Our Heavenly Father. I thought I knew how I viewed God. I thought that I was good with it and my perception didn't need to change. But man was I wrong.

Our Perception of God Affects the Quality of Our Lives

There are 5 different perceptions that people have of God; the authoritarian father, the abusive father, the distant/passive father, the accusing father, and the absent father. All of these are skewed views that we have of God because our earthly father. Generally, we view God as we view our earthly father because that is the example that we are given. We aren't shown love from another man until later on down the road. But as a child we see our fathers and can't help but look at God the same way. It's the learning theory. There are dire consequences to seeing God in these ways. When we look at him with our skewed perspective we're putting him in our own little box even when we don't realize it. One of the things that really got me in the book was this line, 

"the way we treat and relate to others reveal a lot about how we see God." 

It just hit me. And this long spiral of memories of how I treat people came crashing through my brain. I had to put the book aside for the day and just think of that, ponder that one truth. The way that I treat people and relate to people shows my view of God. How humbling. I realized that my view of God was not what I thought it was. My instant thought was, 

I think of God as legalistic cause that's how it was growing up. 

I would love to say that I live in God's grace, I know it, I feel it. But the reality is that I don't. I know it in my head, but it's not engrained in my heart yet. I'm still trying to shake off 18 years of legalism. Almost 3 years ago my parents started this journey called the Grace Walk. And since then, grace is becoming more and more prevalent in our lives. Sadly, my heart hasn't been changed from the legalistic mentality yet. I strive to not be legalistic with others. God has so changed that in me, He has ripped that part of heart to shreds. And replaced it with a love that is not my own. That's not to say that I don't have bad days, we all do, and I feel like mine are more often than not. 

THEN God's grace overflows onto me.

Isn't that funny, God shows his grace constantly. That's how we're able to be his children. 

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God --

Ephesians 2:8 

Right AFTER that line from the book is a verse that spoke volumes to me. 

In this greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory. 

1 Peter 1:6-8

Read that one more time and really read it. Take it slow, and let it soak into you. 

My friends, God knows how you think of him, how you view him, how you perceive him. He knows all of those things. He knows your doubts, your desires, your heart. And he still chooses to love us. To hold us close. To have open arms, when we turn our backs. To forgive. 

A few nights ago I was talking with some amazing, Godly people at Grove Coffee late into the night. And forgiveness came up. I don't think about God's forgiveness much, honestly. Cause I figure he's forgiven me and I have nothing to worry about. But when it comes to forgiving others, or asking for forgiveness, it doesn't come that naturally. It's hard. The reality is that God desires us to forgive the way he has forgiven us. We are TOTALLY forgiven by our Father. 

 ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love ⁵ he^[b] predestined us for adoption to sonship^[c] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ⁷ In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ⁸ that he lavished on us. 

Ephesians 1:3-8

Our Father has made us acceptable and delights in us. 

"The LORD your God is with you,
   the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
   in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
   but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17 

Accept one another, then, 

just as Christ accepted you, 

in order to bring praise to God.

Romans 15:7

But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—

Colossians 1:22

We must CHOOSE to renew our minds about God. 

We must CHOOSE to act and react according to who God IS.

I really want to encourage you to think and pray about how you view God. That affects your relationship with Him more than you think. The way we think about God can be altered if we ask Him to do so. Let His grace wash over you. Be consumed by His love. Take inexpressible joy in His forgiveness. Show each of these things that you learn to those around you. Strive to be more like Him. It will come. 

Help

Asking for help is not my strong suit. 

Some of my friends have the same problem.

The funny thing is, I WANT to help. 

I want to be that person that other people know they can depend on. 

Well, I kinda am. Some more than others. 

But generally, they know I'm there. 

They know I'll drop everything if they need me. 

That's just who I am. 

Oddly enough, I don't know how to ask. 

What I figured out today is that asking is taking a risk. 

It's got to be without expectation. 

So you don't get disappointed. 

But honestly,

I have no clue how to do that. 

Think about it. 

When asking a question, 

you expect an answer. 

I'm a question asker. 

Just not a help asker.

Ha. I'm funny. 

Anyways, 

question asking is easy.

You usually get an answer when you ask a question. 

You all know that, it's not rocket science. 

But when asking for help, 

you have to go into expecting nothing. 

Less disappointed that way. 

But it sure does show you who you're real friends are.

Unfortunately, those people that you think are going to help you, won't. It's hard not to become bitter towards those closest to you when they can't give you what you think you need. Most of the time people surprise. It's the last person that you can possibly think of that is willing to help, and the first that doesn't seem to care. 

CARING

That's another one I'm havin a hard time with...

So many people show they care in so many different ways. 

I'm that person that if you tell you care, I believe you, unless you show me differently. 

But there are people who just care without saying anything. 

Which I can see, but I'm a verbal person. I like to hear you say it AND show it. 

Call me crazy. 

But really, look around you. 

Who do you know cares about you?

How do you know that they do?

One of my friends told me recently that most people don't cater to how you need to be loved and cared for. It's true. 

Most people don't take the time to show you how they care. 

Even if they care a lot. 

I want to encourage you to ask people how they want to be shown that you care. 

Then strive to do that. So they know.

I also want to encourage you to ask for help without expectation. 

I don't know how to do it either, but we're in this together. 

Let me know how it goes :)

Just Be

How many times in a day are you told to just be?

NEVER

It's always do this, be that, say something, laugh this way, talk that way, move side to side, blah blah blah. I can't remember the last time someone said, "Just be." 

Expectations play a huge role in this world's society. I know I've been harping on this lately, but you gotta understand that expectations run deep through me. All my life I've been looked at as someone with "great potential." I hate that saying. Don't tell me that I can BE something later. I AM someone now. Right this second. It may not be what the world considers great, but what does that matter when my King thinks I'm wonderful. The Creator of the universe thinks I'm perfect. 

Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. 

                                                          Hebrews 10:14

Each day I am being made holy. Each day you are being made holy. Living in Christ. Seeking his will. Understanding that he is SO pleased with you. You can just be. 

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. 

Ephesians 2:10

"I'm a disaster."

One of my friends said this during our conversation, and ever since then I've been thinking about it. My reply was simply, "Aren't we all?" It's true. We may all hide it, but it's the truth. The disaster that you are is completely different from someone's else's disaster, but we're still a disaster nonetheless. You may choose to be quiet about it or you may choose to share it with the world. Either way, it's there. But we have to remember that God is in that. He wants us to acknowledge that we are HIS disaster. He wants us to let him work in us.

More importantly, he sees us as perfect and he wants us to see ourselves that way as well.

Did you see that?

Read it one more time. 

More importantly, he sees us as perfect and 

he wants us to see ourselves that way as well.

All to often, we forget that. We forget that the God of the Universe chose to love me, accept me, cherish me just the way I am. And the best part is that he sees me perfect. Each and every lie we CHOOSE to believe is ridiculous in comparison to what God says is truth. So who are we to think less of ourselves? Who are we to say that God's opinion isn't enough? Who are we to call him a liar? Yeah, that's what we're doing when we don't see ourselves as he sees us. 

And you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. Colossians 2:10

He has the power to bring truth to each lie we believe. But how often do we let him? 

I want to encourage you to battle those lies, speak truth into your life and live in our Lord. He is so good and wonderful and excellent and praiseworthy. Give him those things. Know that you are who he has created you to be. So, just be. 

Little Things He Does For Me

I guess sometimes I just don't know why I believe the things I believe, or why I think the things I think...

But today, this quote hit me, in the gut, in the heart, right where it made me understand why I hate lying. 

"The worst thing 

about being lied to

is knowing that you 

weren't worth the truth."

My hope is that I'll make a mark here. I don't want that mark to be for me, for my glory, no, I want it to be for His. His glory alone. I want God to use me in such a way that I know is not of myself. God is able to us beyond anything else that we think is possible. But with God, anything is possible. Anything. 

For example, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to get a B in this one class I had this semester. I knew it as soon as I left the class after my final. I was gonna get a B. And I was gonna have to be okay with it. I just kept remembering that it's not about WHAT I do, it's about WHO I am in Christ. My grades, my performance doesn't matter. It just doesn't. It's about living in His grace. My identity does not lie in the things that I do. My heart behind it is so much more important. I checked my grade later that day. You know what? I got an A in the class. Impossible in my mind. Literally, impossible. But it happened. I got an A. Only by the grace of God. Honestly, I don't think I deserve it. I could've worked so much harder in that class. Yet, God, in His amazing grace, chose to bless me, with an A. It may sound silly to you, but that's how I needed to know this. That's how God knew He could get through to me. He knew. And He knew I would listen. 

It amazes me that He is so gracious. That He takes the time to show us the things we need in the way that He knows we need it. Why? Beats me. But He does. He desires that! 

You're probably thinking, "What the what?!?!" Right. I know. I think the same thing. 

That's just another testament to the grace of our King.