Angles, Perspective and Basketball

I am a basketball official. I'm the one that coaches, parents, players and fans get mad at. The thing about being a ref is that you have a different perspective than everyone else in the gym. What very few people realize is how a ref must operate. 

Sitting at the top of the bleachers

The reality is, no matter where you sit in the gym, you will have a unique angle. That angle allows you to see the game unlike anyone else in the gym. Essentially, it is a movie only you are seeing. How awesome!! And incredibly frustrating. We have a hard time understanding how anyone can see a particular angle that is not our own. 

I'm not quite sure what it means to see every angle in a situation. Generally, I can just see my own perspective and that is what I stick with, then I lose the ability to see the bigger picture. 

That's how life works. God has bigger plans than we can see. I have no idea what he is going to do today, nor can I begin to guess. I have the ability to be annoyed by that or TRUST God, believing today holds goodness.

We go through points in our lives where we don't know what is going to happen next. All we see is what is right in front of us. There is nothing wrong with you. But what would it mean if you looked at things from a different perspective, or angle. 

I believe that as God walks with us, he asks us to take a step with him. He asks us to move over a few steps, he wants us to see an opposing view of our own. He wants to give us a gift, by helping us to see what he sees. 

Why not?

Choose to see it from His angle.

Be My Everything

Moments are fleeting. There are moments that we will remember forever. There are moments that we will soon forget. Time is elusive. It is ever passing. Ticking away, never to return.


The question that has stuck in my mind for months is...

Would I be okay today if I died doing this?

This past weekend, my grandmother passed away. My dear friends father-in-law passed away. My close friends Aunt passed away.

At church on Sunday, we heard the regrets that people have when they died. There are so many of them. Too often in life we put things off that we want to do and just do things that we don't have to do. We choose things out of obligation or guilt.

That question has put a lot of my life in perspective. If I choose to do and live in a way that glorifies God then he will provide all I need. But only what I need for that day.

Do I trust Him in that?


The Israelite's had no choice while they were in the desert for 40 years, but to trust God. He provided food for them daily, manna in the morning and quail at night.

I want to live that way. I want to live expecting God to provide what I need for the day. I want to trust Him that much.

And if that means I give up my second job, then so be it.
If it means that I give up eating out, so be it.
If that means saying no more, so be it.
If I have to surrender my wants every day for His, so be it.

That trust is worth it. 

I want God to be my fulfillment. 

I want Him to be my source.

I want Him to be my everything.

{Perfect Love}

I haven't slept a full 8 hours until 2 days ago. It's been about 2 weeks. I'm the kind of person that needs sleep. If I don't sleep, I get grouchy. And WAYYYYY more emotional. So that is why I have been crying daily for a week straight.

Maybe it's not just that. But that is what I will blame for [now.]

It's almost 2014.
It's a time for reflection.
It's a time to be reminded of love.


Love that is
 
overwhelming, 

powerful, 

unconditional.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

We forget that this is the love that we have. God perfectly loves us. 

Our society is so focused on love from another person that people think that will be their fulfillment. No, dear friends, love from another human will be imperfect. Imperfect love was not intended to be your fulfillment. God is. And God is love. {Perfect love.}

{Perfect love} gives us confidence. 

{Perfect love} shows us acceptance. 

{Perfect love} cares, always. 

{Perfect love} is real. 

{Perfect love} can be seen. 

{Perfect love} desires relationship. 

{Perfect love} changes us. 

{Perfect love} wants more for you than you want for yourself.

{Perfect love} waits for you to come back. 

{Perfect love} is perfect.

{Perfect love} is eternal. 

{Perfect love} moves us to tears.

Are you living in that {perfect love?}

Beauty in Brokenness

I think I can do anything. Not because I'm good at everything. Oh no, trust me, I know when I'm NOT good at lots of things. My parents always taught me that I could do anything, because I have Jesus on my side. With Him, nothing is impossible.


Reinvent. No, that's not the right word.
Recreate. That's not it either.
Understand? Getting closer.
Figure it out...I guess.


One of my dear friends asked me if I could describe myself. "Of course!" I replied quickly. She looked at me, with love in her eyes. "Describe yourself as if you're on a first date with someone." My response? My mouth was hanging open.

Pause that thought for a second, I'll come back to it, I promise...but first, read this. 

{The Lay Counseling Program that I have going to since September has been reshaping me (there's a better word!), breaking me, showing me new things and challenging me to see truth. It is not easy. In fact, it is probably one of the most difficult things that I've done in my few years on this earth. It has taken every belief, thought and truth about myself, and questioned it. Good, right? More like, earth shattering. Everything that I knew about myself is being reevaluated.}

Back to my previous story. 

I sat down with my journal. And I wrote short, sweet sentences to describe myself. 
It went something like this... 

• I like to write
• I love to travel
• I don't want to just have one identity (one thing I'm known for)
• I love volleyball
• I'm afraid of the dark
• I don't like being alone for too long
• I worry 
• I have to understand things
• I like learning about different cultures

then it got deeper...

• I want to belong
• I need to be needed
• I don't understand why someone would want me
• I need to know things to think I'm worthy of attention
• I don't want to see my beauty in my brokenness

Looking at this list made me want to change something. I started praying. My wonderful mentor made sense to me about being wanted and needed. I am both. [But these were lies that I have believed for so long that they became truth to me.]

My challenge to you is to write those things down. 

The things that you know and think about yourself. 

Not the things that everyone tells you that you are. 

Read your list.

Which ones are truth? Which ones are lies? 

-Take them to Jesus.-

Ask Him to reshape, refine, renew.

i Accept

*deep sigh*

I wasn't born yesterday, but for some reason, it took me a while to learn this particular lesson.

God has been teaching me about acceptance. It hasn't been about accepting other people, until a few days ago. In fact, it mostly has to do with accepting myself. For my whole life, I wasn't able to accept my failings, my imperfections, or anything of that sort. I had high expectations for myself. Therefore, I have high expectations for everyone else.

After God slapped me in the face with reality, I understood that he accepts me just the way I am, so I need to accept myself in that same way. When I'm willing to accept myself, I'm able to accept other people WAYYYYYYYYYYYY more easily. 

Part of loving yourself is being able to accept every part of who you are. And if you see something that you don't like, then change it.

Only you and God can do that. 

No one else can. 

It is an ABSOLUTE

      I like absolutes. I like knowing that something can be trusted for what it is worth. I don't like confusing situations. I don't like questioning myself, or others. I just like absolutes. But, there is so much in life that is not an absolute. There is so much more to life than the absolute. So much of life, with Jesus, is simply about the journey. It's about the stories.  

It's about the experiences that we have 

that draw us closer to Jesus. 

       The absolute may be nice, but it's the questioning that helps us know that God is with us. And we have nothing to fear.
       Most the time, I just want an absolute statement. I want to know exactly the right thing to do, at exactly the right time, and the exact way how to do it. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. There are so many ups and downs, so many mountains and valleys. I will never know fully why we live life on earth (until heaven), but I know that God has a reason. 

I know that God, in His infinite wisdom, decided that we were going to live on earth, so that in these moments of questioning, we could turn to Him. 

The question is...

do you trust Him?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him

and he will make your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Journey With Me

I've been alive for 23 years now. I don't remember what it was like to be a tiny human until the age of 5ish. One of my very first memories is laying in bed and across the room, my sister was laying on her bed. We whispered back and forth, but were soon told to go to sleep by my mother. I remember wondering what life would be like when I was older, as I drifted off to slumber-land.


In September, I start the program for my Lay Counseling Certificate. I have been preparing for it by reading the book assigned and reflecting on the content. The book is called, To Be Told, and it is written by Dan Allender. So much of this book is about {my story}. It's about coming to grips with the God-breathed story I have been living. But it also delves deep into my hurts, pains, anguish, and tragedy. I'm not one for the dramatics. I am very in-touch with my emotions. This allows me to feel deeply, in pretty much any situation, whether it is about me or someone else.

As I have been reading this book, those same deep emotions have been tapped into, exposed and left in the open. Which is incredibly painful. Along with all of these emotions, it seems that Satan is trying to come at me with every possible distraction. It has taken everything in me not to just scream my head off! I know that God is good. I know that this path is unknown, but it will be so worth it in the end.

{I want to invite you on this journey with me.} 

God is moving in my heart, my mind,

and all throughout my life. 

It is overwhelming.

It is unfamiliar. 

It is exhilarating. 

It is God-breathed!

One Short Thought

What gets me is the way people are moved by tragedy. It's the details, the story, and the emotions of it all. There is no simple way to deal with tragedy. If you deal with it right away, then you begin moving forward. If you stuff it away, it could stunt your emotional growth. I'm moved by tragedy. It makez me think, ponder, and hope that it is not the end. But more than all of that, it draws me closer to my Savior. He is the only hope. He is the only one with the strength to help pull us through. Lean on Him, for everything.

The Burn in My Soul

Have you ever felt that you needed to do something so deep in your soul that you know nothing can ever stop you?

For some reason, that is happening to me again. This is not the first time.

I'll let you in on a little secret, I was the little kid who played sports so passionately that the other kids would get angry with me. When I was in 6th grade, I played on an all-girls basketball team. The girls would all complain that I would play too aggressively. I was just passionate the game. I wanted to win. I HAD to win. You might think I'm too competitive, but I'm not. I had a passion for the sport.

People still tell me that I'm passionate about things. To this day, when I go on a rant and start talking about Jesus, I get so worked up that I laugh and move around like a crazy person.

God has been showing me so much about myself. The way I'm wired. The things that make me tick, the things that I cry about and the things that will move me to take action.

These past few months, God has been reigniting the passion that I have had since I was a young lady in high school. It was something that I never thought would be a defining role in my life. And yet, here it is.

I must work with young women. 

I need to show them they are valuable. 

I need them to know they are loved,

they are cared for,

they are understood. 

I don't claim to know everything about life. I really don't know much about it, but I do know that each young woman is unique, loved and valued beyond words. My mission is to show that to every young woman I come in contact with. That is what I shall do. 

But it does not stop there. It continues with writing books, speaking and telling the world that they can't keep us down! The insecurity, pain, brokenness and trauma that every young woman has experienced does not need to be kept in the dark. It needs to be dealt with! It needs to be talked about! God wants those things to be out in the open so that he can walk with us through those things. 

PHEW! I had to get that out. There is more and more that God is doing. He has been working in this since I got back from Thailand. I know that going to school will only increase my passion in this, because I will be discovering my story and working through it. I want the same for every young lady I meet.

Listen To The Story

What is it about a person's story that can capture our attention so wholly? 

Why do we listen intently to great storyteller's? 

What is it that draws us to hear powerful stories from people just like ourselves? 

If you read, The Story That Has Captured My Heart, then you've heard me talk about how our story is not our own when we live for Christ.

God has truly been showing me how to listen, truly listen, to someone's story. He's showing me what it looks like to see past all of the exterior walls that people build, and see someone's heart, even when they don't want you to. It is intriguing for me to watch an audience engage with a speaker as they tell a story. Just the other day, I was sitting in a meeting and as one of my pastor's told a story it gave me goosebumps. When we are watching movies, which are stories, we are wrapped up in them. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we are moved to tears, sometimes we are angry, and sometimes we cringe. But we are entranced by the story.

What God has me pondering is why we only listen to some stories. Every story is unique and every experience has a story. My encouragement for you, and for myself, is to listen to people's stories. You can learn so much about a person by allowing yourself to listen, truly listen. That story may show you something you didn't realize about that person. If you let it, it could move you to tears.

God gave us the ability to relate to others for a reason. Do it. You may see God in a different way through someone else and their story.

Justice For All?

I think is easier for me to just think when there's a lot on my mind. I'm not exactly sure why. But for one reason or another, I just can't seem to write when there's a lot on my mind. And that's how this these past couple months have been. At every turn, it seems like there's something new. Some problem arises, or some issue presents itself. Whether it be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. At almost every turn, there is something new. 

I'm not sure why. I don't know the reasons. But I do know that God is with me. 

In women's Bible study, we have been learning about justice. In case you don't know this, I graduated with my degree in Criminal Justice and Criminology this past December. I have been learning about justice for some time now, and it still fascinates me. This study has proven over and over again, how much I enjoy learning about justice. Justice is my passion. Learning about it this semester has been so different then the classes that I took in college.

I know why it's different, it is because we are learning about it from a Biblical perspective. We have been pouring over scripture these past few weeks to understand what God intends justice to be. Actually, we've even come up with some definitions!

Justice is God's design for restoring us into right relationship with Him and others. 

When God administers justice it is founded in love and is fair, impartial, perfect, restorative, generous, and on time. 

If I am obedient to God's command to do justice, it should include humility, impartiality, generous care of those in need and righting the things that are wrong as we reflect the heart and character of God.

My favorite passage has been Micah 6:1-8.

6 Listen to what the Lord says:

“Stand up, plead my case before the mountains;
    let the hills hear what you have to say.

² “Hear, you mountains, the Lord’s accusation;
    listen, you everlasting foundations of the earth.
For the Lord has a case against his people;
    he is lodging a charge against Israel.

³ “My people, what have I done to you?
    How have I burdened you? Answer me.
⁴ I brought you up out of Egypt
    and redeemed you from the land of slavery.
I sent Moses to lead you,
    also Aaron and Miriam.
⁵ My people, remember
    what Balak king of Moab plotted
    and what Balaam son of Beor answered.
Remember your journey from Shittim to Gilgal,
    that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord.”

⁶ With what shall I come before the Lord
    and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
    with calves a year old?
⁷ Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams,
    with ten thousand rivers of olive oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
    the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
⁸ He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly^[a] with your God.


This passage has been such an encouragement to my heart. It is a reminder of the things that God has done for us. He is proving his love, justness, and ways he moved throughout this chapter. Then after he is done saying these things, we are face with the question, "And what does the Lord require of you?" I don't know about you, but I have been faced with that question over and over in my lifetime. I want to be sure that I am doing exactly what the Lord wants me to do. But it is spelled out so succinctly in verse 8. This passage has transformed this question for me. I love the reminders that God has moved so tremendously and that he tells us exactly what is required of us! Have faith, friends! Know that God is with you and he will bring justice, but it is his own time.

He Gets It, He Just Does

JJ Heller

Last week, I listened to a song that brought me to tears.

For Easter, JJ Heller came and performed at The Grove. It was so amazing to listen to her music and meet her in person. She is such a beautiful person, in so many ways. I bought all of her CD's and have been listening to them non stop in my car. Driving home from the movie on Friday night, her song, If You Fall, was playing.

If You Fall 
JJ Heller

You are a house that’s broken down
You are a house that’s burning
And everything in me wants to run
But that’s not love
If you fall, I fall with you
If you hurt I feel it too
Even if my heart turns black and blue
I will love you
I planted seeds down in the ground
Not every one is growing
When I am tempted to give up
I choose love
If you fall, I fall with you
If you hurt I feel it too
Even if my heart turns black and blue
I will love you
Beauty and light will fight for you
Goodness will rise
It shines for you

For almost 3 months, I have been sick. Not the puking my guts out, internal pain constantly type of sick, just the normal stuffy/runny nose and a horrible cough. I don't understand why it has been like this. I have tried so many different medicines. I have been to the doctor multiple times. And now I'm just taking supplements and it's helping...FINALLY. What I forgot though, was that God feels our pain. The part of this song that brought me to tears was the line, "if you hurt I feel it too." Those words made me realize I wasn't alone through all of this.

When you've been sick for that long, people stop asking what's wrong and they just accept it. But few people ever asked how it made me feel. How I was doing with being sick. Cause I wasn't doing well. I was sad and so frustrated. But I didn't know what to do differently. Even now, I'm still sniffly and coughing. The change in my heart has to do with God feeling my pain. I forgot, I just forgot that he gets it. He understands completely. I felt so alone. But no matter the kind of pain we have, God is with us. We are never alone. NEVER.

Remember that. God is with you. You are not alone. And he gets it, better than anyone else.

Representing SIN!

I hate being sick. This is my 9th week of being sick. I got a little bug early January, then by mid February I went to Urgent Care and got some antibiotics because it was a sinus infection. It is now March, and I am still sick. I am so sick of being sick and tired. My energy is gone. My enthusiasm is diminishing, and I just don't feel like Bre. I know, I know. I am Bre. But I don't feel like Bre.
I'm not one that rests very often. Most people, like my mother, attribute this to why I am still sick. I don't fully understand what resting means. Granted, I have gotten better at it as I've gotten older. But I'm still not great at it.

Usually, when I get sick, I think God is trying to tell me to rest. He wants us to rest. He wants us to be healthy and well. He's given us our bodies and he tells us that they are temples. I forget that.

But what I also think he is trying to show me is a picture of what sickness represents.

We, as humans, live on earth, obviously. As I sit, coughing and feeling so weak, I think of God. In his infinite wisdom, he is allowing me to be sick. He knows that I am a terrible sick person; he knows I'm not pleasant to be around. He knows that I hate blowing my nose and coughing constantly. He knows that I like to be energetic, and I'm not, when I'm sick.

To me, this is a representation of what sin is. We battle sin and temptation every single day, just like I have fought this battle with sickness for the past 2 and a half months. When I'm sick, I take vitamins, medicine, and other things to pump my body full of things to fight off the sickness. It's the same with fighting our spiritual battle, we have to read the word, listen to worship music, and fill ourselves with Jesus. How appropriate this lesson is on Easter week.

Today is Good Friday. Today, we remember so many years ago that Jesus hung on a cross for our sin. In just a few minutes, so long ago, the sun went down and pitch darkness filled the earth for three hours. Then, because of his love for us, Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know what they do." It is a Good Friday. Jesus took the punishment for our sin.

The veil was torn.

Jesus died for us. 

He is with us, 

now and forever.

The Story That Has Captured My Heart

It takes me leaving, just for a bit, to gain perspective. I have to sit back, sip my coffee and talk to God. Some of my best thinking is done when doing a mindless task, like washing the dishes. I think, pray and try to reason with God. It may sound silly, but it happens.

As I sit, staring at the beach, I reflect on the events of this past week. I finally went to the doctor, and found out I have bronchitus. I have 4 different medicines. I found out exciting things and sad things from friends this week. I have to pray about a decision I have to make that I thought was already made. My week has been one of much diversty. I have cried, prayed, thought, thanked God and sat to listen.

I am not in control. God has given me the gift of compassion. He has enabled me to live a life that is touched by so many people. I get to listen to others stories and engage in them with them. I am sought out for counsel or prayer. I don't understand why.

But I do know that it is not of me. I have been trying to do my life myself for the past few weeks. I haven't been seeking God first and foremost. My pride has come to the rise. And God wants me to recognize that I can't do it myself. He is showing me how to rely on him more and more every day. He is teaching me how to be a woman that seeks his wisdom. He wants me to understand my identity as his child, a princess in the Kingdom, and my role here on earth. My story is not my own. It is just a tiny, infinitesimal part of his story. But he cares so deeply, and immensely about me and my well-being.

How do we live a God centered life?
How do we give ourselves wholly to him?
How do we pursue the things that he desires more than our desires?
How do we align our hearts to his?
How do we be the change we want to see in the world?

It is just a glimpse of His glory

There are glimpses of vulnerability.

They tend to be few and far between with people. Especially, those who are closed off and have a hard time trusting. People who have an easy time sharing their heart, it usually comes in glimpses. You see it for a second, maybe a minute, then it is gone.

It is so beautiful. God intended for us to share our hearts with others. It is a privilege to know the heart of a person. We were all created to have emotion.

On Thursday, I sat down with a missionary friend of my parents. I knew him when I was younger. Before I turned 13, he left the church to become a pastor elsewhere. As we talked, I saw a glimpse of his heart, his passion and his purpose. His name is Chris and he is the Director of Missions. He works with an organization called Go To Nations. Their mission is to go to all of the nations.

He showed me a slide show that his wife put together. It is a short presentation about what human trafficking is; there were statistics and facts. Some I knew, some were new to me. But the pivotal moment was hearing the story of one woman. He knew her name, her story and her imprisonment. She was a slave, left by her owner at the prison. As he told me her story, he began to cry. This man risks his life on a regular basis, but he sat before me and cried. They weren't big tears, it was a soft tearful remembrance of this woman that he couldn't help. This man was showing me, allowing me, to see his heart. In that moment, I knew what Jesus looked like when he wept. I saw the heart of Jesus in this man. It was an honor and a privilege. It is a memory I will never forget.

Jesus has a heart for the poor and the needy, the bruised and the broken. He has asked us to have that same heart. Chris's heart exemplified Christ in a way I have never seen. Jesus desires for all of us to feel that way. He wants us to help, to build relationship, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

Can't Contain the Craving

For lent this year, I decided that I would give up sugar. Not all sugars, just little treats, like cookies, scones and ice cream. Difficult? Oh yes. It's not like I eat treats all the time, but I don't deprive myself of them all the time. Therefore, it has been difficult for me.

In the same way, I was created with this innate desire to do justice. I can't shake it. This weekend I wen to The Justice Conference simulcast. It was incredible. Last year, Jenna and I went and drove up to Portland, OR, which is where it was held last year. As I sat in those hard chairs this year, with very little sleep, I couldn't help the fire in my gut that was burning brighter and brighter as I listened to these incredible men and women. Men and women who have been doing justice for years. Here I am, a mere 22 years of age, and I know that I have to do justice. I HAVE TO!

When I get back from Thailand, I didn't know what was next. I had just taken a full-time job with my church, literally a day before I left for Thailand. My future had a more defined goal and purpose. I asked God for a very distinct answer about my job. It is a testament to Him that I got offered this position. My main two responsibilities is being a part of the student ministries, and working with our missions pastor. The missions pastor, Paul, is who I went on the Thailand trip with. To say the trip was life changing, would be a gross understatement. The real question would be, what part of me is the same? I hope none.

My heart was wrecked for the people who live in Thailand. My heart is still in shambles, because of the horrors that they suffer every day. Yet, I know that my God is big. He is hope for those beautiful I met and saw. My heart is being transformed, it is changing and God is shaping me in more ways every day. It is almost overwhelming. All I want is Jesus. I crave him to be with me in every way. My God is not in a box. He is bigger and greater than the things of this world. He has ALREADY WON the enemy. And he has made us more than conquerors.

I must do justice. 

Justice is the character of the God I serve. 

Therefore, I will. 

Maybe in small ways now, 

but every just thing we do changes the world!

Scream, Cry, Compose

I have an overwhelming need to just show Christ's love to everyone in my path today. I almost feel uncomfortable just sitting and writing, because I NEED to love people.

When I got back from Thailand, it was the exact opposite. I didn't have any desire to be around people, talk to people or interact with other humans. I was so angry, because of the poverty, the trafficking and the tragic situations. 

I'm not generally an angry person. I try to see the good in people. The subtle anger that sat in my heart for almost two weeks was horrible. It was frustrating for me, but I didn't know how to shake it. I didn't know what it would take to change my heart. I didn't know why I was holding on to the anger, and not letting go. I would tell close friends about it, and they would be sympathetic and understanding. But it didn't help to talk about it. 

My wonderful mentor and friend, Jen, told me that it was normal to be angry. But I couldn't dwell on it. And I just cried. It is a heart breaking realization that you can't do anything to change the lives of people. In fact, you can't make anyone change. The only person that this trip will change is me. I can choose to be changed by Thailand. Or I can choose to remain angry. Even as I write this, tears well in my eyes, because the reality of tragedy and pain is too much. THAT is why I must do something.

I am one person.

But that does NOT mean I roll over and give up. 

It means that I need to use my voice. 

I need to let my experience change me. 

Change me for the better. 

It gave me perspective.  

Jen sat with me while I cried. She told me that the reason that this hit my heart so much was because I love God's people. The anger was easier to live in then the reality that I need to love MORE. There are people right here, possibly even next door, that need the same love that I felt for those beautiful people in Thailand. Because those people may be happy right where they're at, but the people I see on a regular basis may not be. How many times have I really stopped and listened to someone's heart; their struggles and pain. It's easier to see when you don't speak the language, because you see their posture, facial expressions and heart. I was more in tune with people when I couldn't talk to them. 

Life isn't about me. My life is a gift. The way that I live is a gift. That gift is meant to be used every day. God has blessed me for a reason. The reality that I can sit here and just be is amazing. I don't have to work every day. I don't have to stand at a cart for 12 hours straight. I can sit and reflect on Jesus. I can walk up to someone and talk to them about their heart.

How many times have I chosen not to do that? 

The way that we live is important. The way that we interact with people changes things. How we live and talk to people makes a difference. You can choose to be a living, breathing example of Christ. Or you can be focused on yourself.

 

It Just Hits You In The Face

That is how life seems right now.

real life

Not just for me, though, for a lot of people.
Some who I don't know, and some who I do.

I was only in Thailand for 7 full days.
Walking those streets and seeing those people made me wonder about their lives. I saw them with their carts already set up at 8am in the morning and tearing them down well after 11pm. They knew their clientele's patterns and way of life. They had to stay open to survive; to make enough money to live. That is real life for them. Day in and day out.

It still doesn't seem real.

I'm sure the eb and flow of life is too much sometimes. I'm sure there are good days and there are bad days. I'm sure, because they are human too. Sometimes it is just too much. But it also depends on how you respond to life.

In some ways, we're not that much different. But in others, we live completely different lives. 

What makes the woman working as a street vendor tick? What makes the woman who sells herself at night take? Did they both were under the street? Do both wonder what their life would be like if it was different? How did God choose? How is God moving now? How can they live in such a religious mindset? Where their god doesn't do anything for them. Where their god doesn't love them. Knowing that they will pay for their sins in their "next life?"

My struggle isn't poverty.
My struggle isn't fearing for my life.
My struggle is ungratefulness.

We are so blessed in America. Too often, we forget that. Too often we think that our lives need to be better. Too often, we are consumed with fear of not having enough. The problem is we have way more than the average human being. And yet, we still find ourselves wanting more. 

So what do I do with this experience?  How is my life different? What do I do with the information? How do I let it change me? What was the point of it all?

These questions, I don't have answers to. But I know my God. He will tell me when the time is right. Right now, I need to trust Him. I need to see Him. I need to hear Him. I need to read His words. And His strength. I need His eyes. I just need Jesus. More and more of Jesus.

Where is the hope?

"But, while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. 
"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate."

Luke 15:20b-24

I got home on Thursday night. On Friday night, it started raining. It has rained all through the night and, as I sit outside, this morning. Rain is God's way of telling me everything is going to be okay. 

It's taken every ounce of strength God has given me to not cry every second of every day. I knew this trip was going to change me. But I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know the conflict that I found feel coming home. I've gotten to sleep in the comfort of my own bed. I've seen family and a few friends. I know I have been welcomed home. 

I didn't expect to be back so soon. I didn't know that I would process like this. I just didn't know. The only way I know how to describe how I feel is in the passage above...

I am filled with compassion for them. For the women. For the children. Even for the men. 

They are all broken. 

But, in that brokenness, there is hope. There is always hope, because of our Savior. 

A beautiful girl, named Sarah, waited for two months for rescue. She was 15 years old.  For two long, bleak months she waited. But there was hope. She knew rescue was coming. Rescue came. 

Our hope cannot be in any person or thing besides Christ. He is our only hope. In Him, all things are possible.  

There is always a first...

I cried tonight.
I sat at Dairy Queen, eating my blizzard, explaining to my brother what Thailand was like for me.
And I just cried.
For the first time, I put it into words.
I relived moments.
I saw those memories vividly.
I saw those faces, some smiling, some hollow. 
I couldn't stop.
When you are wrapped up in a story, it doesn't matter what's going on around you.
It was the first time I cried because of what I saw.
My brother knew that I needed to cry.
He listened to my story. My feelings. My words.
He understood why I was crying.
My heart is utterly broken for the brokenness in the women and children I saw.
It lies in shambles.
I have a lot of praying and processing to do still.
But it has begun.