Scream, Cry, Compose

I have an overwhelming need to just show Christ's love to everyone in my path today. I almost feel uncomfortable just sitting and writing, because I NEED to love people.

When I got back from Thailand, it was the exact opposite. I didn't have any desire to be around people, talk to people or interact with other humans. I was so angry, because of the poverty, the trafficking and the tragic situations. 

I'm not generally an angry person. I try to see the good in people. The subtle anger that sat in my heart for almost two weeks was horrible. It was frustrating for me, but I didn't know how to shake it. I didn't know what it would take to change my heart. I didn't know why I was holding on to the anger, and not letting go. I would tell close friends about it, and they would be sympathetic and understanding. But it didn't help to talk about it. 

My wonderful mentor and friend, Jen, told me that it was normal to be angry. But I couldn't dwell on it. And I just cried. It is a heart breaking realization that you can't do anything to change the lives of people. In fact, you can't make anyone change. The only person that this trip will change is me. I can choose to be changed by Thailand. Or I can choose to remain angry. Even as I write this, tears well in my eyes, because the reality of tragedy and pain is too much. THAT is why I must do something.

I am one person.

But that does NOT mean I roll over and give up. 

It means that I need to use my voice. 

I need to let my experience change me. 

Change me for the better. 

It gave me perspective.  

Jen sat with me while I cried. She told me that the reason that this hit my heart so much was because I love God's people. The anger was easier to live in then the reality that I need to love MORE. There are people right here, possibly even next door, that need the same love that I felt for those beautiful people in Thailand. Because those people may be happy right where they're at, but the people I see on a regular basis may not be. How many times have I really stopped and listened to someone's heart; their struggles and pain. It's easier to see when you don't speak the language, because you see their posture, facial expressions and heart. I was more in tune with people when I couldn't talk to them. 

Life isn't about me. My life is a gift. The way that I live is a gift. That gift is meant to be used every day. God has blessed me for a reason. The reality that I can sit here and just be is amazing. I don't have to work every day. I don't have to stand at a cart for 12 hours straight. I can sit and reflect on Jesus. I can walk up to someone and talk to them about their heart.

How many times have I chosen not to do that? 

The way that we live is important. The way that we interact with people changes things. How we live and talk to people makes a difference. You can choose to be a living, breathing example of Christ. Or you can be focused on yourself.