Can't Contain the Craving

For lent this year, I decided that I would give up sugar. Not all sugars, just little treats, like cookies, scones and ice cream. Difficult? Oh yes. It's not like I eat treats all the time, but I don't deprive myself of them all the time. Therefore, it has been difficult for me.

In the same way, I was created with this innate desire to do justice. I can't shake it. This weekend I wen to The Justice Conference simulcast. It was incredible. Last year, Jenna and I went and drove up to Portland, OR, which is where it was held last year. As I sat in those hard chairs this year, with very little sleep, I couldn't help the fire in my gut that was burning brighter and brighter as I listened to these incredible men and women. Men and women who have been doing justice for years. Here I am, a mere 22 years of age, and I know that I have to do justice. I HAVE TO!

When I get back from Thailand, I didn't know what was next. I had just taken a full-time job with my church, literally a day before I left for Thailand. My future had a more defined goal and purpose. I asked God for a very distinct answer about my job. It is a testament to Him that I got offered this position. My main two responsibilities is being a part of the student ministries, and working with our missions pastor. The missions pastor, Paul, is who I went on the Thailand trip with. To say the trip was life changing, would be a gross understatement. The real question would be, what part of me is the same? I hope none.

My heart was wrecked for the people who live in Thailand. My heart is still in shambles, because of the horrors that they suffer every day. Yet, I know that my God is big. He is hope for those beautiful I met and saw. My heart is being transformed, it is changing and God is shaping me in more ways every day. It is almost overwhelming. All I want is Jesus. I crave him to be with me in every way. My God is not in a box. He is bigger and greater than the things of this world. He has ALREADY WON the enemy. And he has made us more than conquerors.

I must do justice. 

Justice is the character of the God I serve. 

Therefore, I will. 

Maybe in small ways now, 

but every just thing we do changes the world!

Scream, Cry, Compose

I have an overwhelming need to just show Christ's love to everyone in my path today. I almost feel uncomfortable just sitting and writing, because I NEED to love people.

When I got back from Thailand, it was the exact opposite. I didn't have any desire to be around people, talk to people or interact with other humans. I was so angry, because of the poverty, the trafficking and the tragic situations. 

I'm not generally an angry person. I try to see the good in people. The subtle anger that sat in my heart for almost two weeks was horrible. It was frustrating for me, but I didn't know how to shake it. I didn't know what it would take to change my heart. I didn't know why I was holding on to the anger, and not letting go. I would tell close friends about it, and they would be sympathetic and understanding. But it didn't help to talk about it. 

My wonderful mentor and friend, Jen, told me that it was normal to be angry. But I couldn't dwell on it. And I just cried. It is a heart breaking realization that you can't do anything to change the lives of people. In fact, you can't make anyone change. The only person that this trip will change is me. I can choose to be changed by Thailand. Or I can choose to remain angry. Even as I write this, tears well in my eyes, because the reality of tragedy and pain is too much. THAT is why I must do something.

I am one person.

But that does NOT mean I roll over and give up. 

It means that I need to use my voice. 

I need to let my experience change me. 

Change me for the better. 

It gave me perspective.  

Jen sat with me while I cried. She told me that the reason that this hit my heart so much was because I love God's people. The anger was easier to live in then the reality that I need to love MORE. There are people right here, possibly even next door, that need the same love that I felt for those beautiful people in Thailand. Because those people may be happy right where they're at, but the people I see on a regular basis may not be. How many times have I really stopped and listened to someone's heart; their struggles and pain. It's easier to see when you don't speak the language, because you see their posture, facial expressions and heart. I was more in tune with people when I couldn't talk to them. 

Life isn't about me. My life is a gift. The way that I live is a gift. That gift is meant to be used every day. God has blessed me for a reason. The reality that I can sit here and just be is amazing. I don't have to work every day. I don't have to stand at a cart for 12 hours straight. I can sit and reflect on Jesus. I can walk up to someone and talk to them about their heart.

How many times have I chosen not to do that? 

The way that we live is important. The way that we interact with people changes things. How we live and talk to people makes a difference. You can choose to be a living, breathing example of Christ. Or you can be focused on yourself.

 

It Just Hits You In The Face

That is how life seems right now.

real life

Not just for me, though, for a lot of people.
Some who I don't know, and some who I do.

I was only in Thailand for 7 full days.
Walking those streets and seeing those people made me wonder about their lives. I saw them with their carts already set up at 8am in the morning and tearing them down well after 11pm. They knew their clientele's patterns and way of life. They had to stay open to survive; to make enough money to live. That is real life for them. Day in and day out.

It still doesn't seem real.

I'm sure the eb and flow of life is too much sometimes. I'm sure there are good days and there are bad days. I'm sure, because they are human too. Sometimes it is just too much. But it also depends on how you respond to life.

In some ways, we're not that much different. But in others, we live completely different lives. 

What makes the woman working as a street vendor tick? What makes the woman who sells herself at night take? Did they both were under the street? Do both wonder what their life would be like if it was different? How did God choose? How is God moving now? How can they live in such a religious mindset? Where their god doesn't do anything for them. Where their god doesn't love them. Knowing that they will pay for their sins in their "next life?"

My struggle isn't poverty.
My struggle isn't fearing for my life.
My struggle is ungratefulness.

We are so blessed in America. Too often, we forget that. Too often we think that our lives need to be better. Too often, we are consumed with fear of not having enough. The problem is we have way more than the average human being. And yet, we still find ourselves wanting more. 

So what do I do with this experience?  How is my life different? What do I do with the information? How do I let it change me? What was the point of it all?

These questions, I don't have answers to. But I know my God. He will tell me when the time is right. Right now, I need to trust Him. I need to see Him. I need to hear Him. I need to read His words. And His strength. I need His eyes. I just need Jesus. More and more of Jesus.

Where is the hope?

"But, while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. 
"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate."

Luke 15:20b-24

I got home on Thursday night. On Friday night, it started raining. It has rained all through the night and, as I sit outside, this morning. Rain is God's way of telling me everything is going to be okay. 

It's taken every ounce of strength God has given me to not cry every second of every day. I knew this trip was going to change me. But I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know the conflict that I found feel coming home. I've gotten to sleep in the comfort of my own bed. I've seen family and a few friends. I know I have been welcomed home. 

I didn't expect to be back so soon. I didn't know that I would process like this. I just didn't know. The only way I know how to describe how I feel is in the passage above...

I am filled with compassion for them. For the women. For the children. Even for the men. 

They are all broken. 

But, in that brokenness, there is hope. There is always hope, because of our Savior. 

A beautiful girl, named Sarah, waited for two months for rescue. She was 15 years old.  For two long, bleak months she waited. But there was hope. She knew rescue was coming. Rescue came. 

Our hope cannot be in any person or thing besides Christ. He is our only hope. In Him, all things are possible.  

There is always a first...

I cried tonight.
I sat at Dairy Queen, eating my blizzard, explaining to my brother what Thailand was like for me.
And I just cried.
For the first time, I put it into words.
I relived moments.
I saw those memories vividly.
I saw those faces, some smiling, some hollow. 
I couldn't stop.
When you are wrapped up in a story, it doesn't matter what's going on around you.
It was the first time I cried because of what I saw.
My brother knew that I needed to cry.
He listened to my story. My feelings. My words.
He understood why I was crying.
My heart is utterly broken for the brokenness in the women and children I saw.
It lies in shambles.
I have a lot of praying and processing to do still.
But it has begun.

Day 1

Today we spent some of the day with Annie Dieselberg at the NightLight headquarters and the other parts we spent with Matt Parker who is with The Exodus Road.

Southeast Asia is a beautiful place. We spent the vast majority of it seeing the city and hearing stats/stories about trafficking. It was heart wrenching to hear, but even more to see the night life. All I did was walk by the bars. But it was enough for me. I knew I couldn't handle it.

These women and men are so broken. Most people have trouble understanding that these men are hurting just like the women. Maybe not in the same way, but hurting nonetheless. 

Pray for this place.
Pray for this people. 
Pray for the team.

It's HERE!

It feels surreal.
But it is finally here.
Today is the day.
Thailand, here we come.

So many emotions.
So much excitement.
Knowing that God is in it.
God is moving.
It is not my story, but His.