React

I got into ANOTHER car accident last week, it's the fourth and again, it's not my fault. But it's not as blatantly not my fault as it has been in the past.

Today is Friday. I'm off of work. I have no plans except talking to my lovely friend, K. Tifft. We have a prearranged talking time since we both live in different states.

Lately I've just been wallowing about life. Not truly knowing what I am supposed to do. Then it rained yesterday. If you know me at all, you know that I love rain. it is the way that God tells me tahat everything is going to be okay. I woke up, and there were rain drops on the car that I am driving since mine is dead and gone. Which is  nice, cause I really didn't like that car at all. Onward and upward. But I also have the whole college student thing goin for  me, which means no money saved for another car.

God will provide.

I'm not super worried about the car thing. There are a few possibilities and God ALWAYS works that out for me. God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends and an incredible family that has my back. But for a week there, I had very little hope. I felt like I had to have so many things just figured out so when people ask, i knew the right thing to say. I feel like I have to live up to something. But the thing that I have to live up to is unattainable. I know what I want in life. i know what I'm gifted at and how to work hard for things. That is something that was instilled in me at a very young age. And for that, I am so grateful to my parents. It's really a swelling of emotions. It's like every emotion known to man is tugging at some part of me and I have to choose which one to embrace. There are the sad, depressing ones that are not of Jesus. Those are the ones that I have been choosing to feel. The thing that gets me is when God puts someone in my path to show me how wrong I have been.

At college group this week, we were talking about walking in darkness. Paul was saying that he feels like he walks in darkness a lot...and that got me thinking. More often than not, I walk in darkness as well. And it's saddens me to see my life and wish that I was different. I strive to be like Christ in every way I can. But it's not easy.

I was talking to my mentor, Jen, and she looked at me with the most loving of eyes and told me that life is hard. The things that push our buttons and make us want to not be here anymore, are the things that change us. Life isn't about what we can do the best or how awesome we are. It's about God. It's about serving our Savior first and foremost. Everything else will fall into place. We have to seek his kingdom first. The way we react to life is how we show people the Jesus that lives inside of us. I reacted poorly to my car accident. And for that, I truly am sorry. But God is a God of grace and love. of mercy and goodness. He forgives us. All the time. No matter what. THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 
1 John 4:16a